Robin Hardwick
Blogger, critic, writer, observist, humorist.
The Last Day of Camp (essays and published work)- Tumblr
- The Dairi Burger (Sweet Valley High Blog)
- Urban Outfuggers
- twitter.com/robinhardwick
- Talk to me
- Contact
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Posts
- May 03, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/05/revisiting-its-my-party-best-episode-of.html
Excerpt:
Rewatching Family Ties has not only been nostalgic, but hilarious. Alex P. Keaton's devotion to the Republican party in contrast to his parents' liberal views was lost on me during first watch, but his unabashed disdain for women's studies and… - Apr 19, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/04/magic-mike-is-there-more-to-channing.html
Excerpt:
The much-anticipated trailer for Magic Mike debuted yesterday. Let me be more specific: I was highly anticipating it. When I heard the pitch: "Steven Soderbergh directs a semi-autobiographical story of Channing Tatum's life as a stripper," I was sold. Not… - Apr 16, 12Source:
http://yourpopfilter.com/2012/04/loveable-sociopaths/
Excerpt:
This week was the premier of 2 Broke Girls/Happy Ending hybrid with a title too racy to spell out, Don’t Trust the B— in Apt 23. Starring the fresh-faced Dreama Walker (Dreama? Really?) and the gorgeous, talented and luminous Krysten… - Apr 12, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/04/documentary-review-hollywood-complex.html#more
Excerpt:
I love documentaries, especially because so many are now available on Netflix Instant. It's like a snobby way of watching reality television. I especially love documentaries about serial killers, cults, internet sensations, and especially about Hollywood and the entertainment industry.… - Apr 10, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/04/high-hopes-for-girls.html
Excerpt:
Judd Apatow + funny women = success. Or does it? It worked for Bridesmaids, and I am really really hoping it works for the upcoming Apatow-produced HBO series, Girls. Girls is about four female friends trying to make it in… - Apr 03, 12Source:
http://yourpopfilter.com/2012/04/am-i-right-ladies-fictional-guys-that-make-my-ovaries-shrivel-part-two/
Excerpt:
My previous post on un-appealing fictional men seemed to cause some discussion, so why not find a few more ovary-shrivelers? Once upon a time in the early seasons, Jim Halpert was cute, smart, and helplessly in love with his best… - Mar 19, 12Source:
http://yourpopfilter.com/2012/03/am-i-right-ladies-fictional-men-that-make-my-ovaries-shrivel/
Excerpt:
I get a crush on a fictional character practically every time I turn on the tv or watch a movie (Ben Wyatt, call me!). There are some, however, that just have such negative appeal that make me physically cringe from… - Mar 19, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/03/21-jump-street-recap-now-ill-never-be.html
Excerpt:
To the surprise of many, 21 Jump Street opened this weekend to rave reviews. Heck, even Roger Ebert liked it. What better way to celebrate than to take a look back on the show that started it all? We've already… - Mar 17, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/03/when-dirty-star-trek-fanfiction-becomes.html
Excerpt:
When you hear a book titled Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, do you think, my god, I must read that right away? Word of mouth, and perhaps honest curiosity, has made the aformentioned Kindle single appear on the top ten… - Mar 14, 12Source:
http://yourpopfilter.com/2012/03/fuck-that-calf-18/
Excerpt:
Let’s get this out of the way: I did not love The Dark Knight. I wouldn’t say I dislike it, because there are far worse films. The reason that I specifically don’t like it, because compared to Batman Begins, it… - Mar 12, 12Source:
http://brokeassstuart.com/blog/2012/03/12/saved-by-the-bell-40-hours-of-your-life-youll-never-get-back/
Excerpt:
If you are 35 and under, Saved By the Bell has played some part in your life. For better or worse. I mean, think about it. Did you ever think the show was good? No, it’s ridiculous. Cringe-inducing even. Think… - Mar 10, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/03/dont-trust-b-in-apartment-23-latest-in.html
Excerpt:
It seems that sitcoms are going through a reinvention. Sitcoms of the eighties and nineties were about wacky families that despite their spats really loved each other, hilariously mismatched couples, or comedians and their mentally-challenged neighbors. Nowadays, sitcoms are going… - Mar 06, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/03/tv-review-tlcs-my-crazy-obsession-not.html
Excerpt:
TLC used to be truer to its full name, "The Learning Channel." Lately they seem to have the monopoly on "look at the crazy people" programming. First, there was Hoarders and Intervention, and later on came My Strange Addiction, Extreme… - Mar 06, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/02/i-saw-21-jump-street-movie-and-its.html
Excerpt:
I got to see an advance screening of 21 Jump Street, and I went in with low expectations and was pleasantly surprised. And believe me, I rarely like anything Hollywood pumps out these days, ESPECIALLY a remake. Still skeptical that… - Mar 01, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/02/revisiting-21-jump-street-pilot.html
Excerpt:
Fade in on a lovely middle class white family having dinner. It's all there: father in a suit and tie, the ditsy daughter, the good china. BLAMOW! Two young black guys bust in through the window dressed like extras from…
- Mar 01, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/02/ive-predicted-entire-plot-of-what-to.html
Excerpt:
At the movies this weekend, I was forced to watch the trailer for What To Expect When You're Expecting, loosely based on the best-selling self-help book. It seems that this movie got the Garry Marshall treatment, which is to throw… - Feb 27, 12Source:
http://brokeassstuart.com/blog/2012/02/27/bullsht-free-job-search-advice/
Excerpt:
I seem to have careers on the brain lately. I’ve applied for a lot of jobs and I’ve also hired a lot of people in my life, so I know all the bullshit that happens. The job search is a… - Feb 23, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/02/calm-down-community-is-coming-back.html
Excerpt:
After a hiatus of several months, NBC's Community will return to Thursday nights on NBC. Can something be called a "cult classic" while it's still airing? Fans of the show certainly think so. Community fans are hardcore. When NBC announced… - Feb 20, 12Source:
http://yourpopfilter.com/2012/02/twenty-years-of-the-state/
Excerpt:
As I read the profile of director David Wain in The New York Times, I couldn’t help but feel some personal pride for his success. Wain, for all of you who aren’t a comedy nerd like me, is one of…
- Feb 17, 12Source:
http://yourpopfilter.com/2012/02/the-full-house-drinking-game/
Excerpt:
I’ve been sick for the past few days, and when I am sick I turn into a sick whiny baby. I revert back to childhood, so I usually need to watch something from my youth. Full House used to be…
- Feb 17, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/02/revisiting-cool-as-ice.html
Excerpt:
In 1991, I had a huge poster of Vanilla Ice in my bedroom, and I had BOTH his cassettes (one was a remix album, remember?). Although I don't remember actually liking him that much. My best friend at the time… - Feb 14, 12Source:
http://brokeassstuart.com/blog/2012/02/13/the-myth-of-the-dream-job/
Excerpt:
Some of you are broke because you are waiting for your dream job to come along. Or, you may be broke BECAUSE you are in your dream job, and the money doesn’t matter. Congratulations, you’ve achieved something that so many… - Feb 09, 12Source:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/02/downton-abbey-is-now-thing.html
Excerpt:
http://www.culturebrats.com/2012/02/downton-abbey-is-now-thing.html - Feb 06, 12Source:
http://yourpopfilter.com/2012/02/am-i-right-ladies-im-not-excited-for-the-hunger-games-movie/
Excerpt:
Believe me, it’s not for lack of trying. The Hunger Games Trilogy (the books) are worth the hype. I can confidently say they were some of the best books I’ve ever read in my life. In my life. And I… - Feb 06, 12Source:
http://brokeassstuart.com/blog/2012/02/06/broke-ass-nostalgia-metropolitan/
Excerpt:
Something can hardly be nostalgic if it is not well-known in the first place, but Whit Stillman’s first feature film Metropolitan (1990) is worth remembering. For me, this was the first “independent” film that I ever rented from the video…
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Posts
I sometimes can’t believe that I live here. The weather right now is beyond perfect. (Taken with instagram)
Because having a slight scar makes you a “beast”.
Lady Comics: Who Needs Late Night? We’ve Got Tumblr
If you ask a female comedian how social media has impacted her professional life, she will likely respond like Elaine Carroll. “Social media has made my career,” says Carroll, the 30-year-old creator of the Very Mary Kate web series, a spoof of Mary Kate Olsen’s glam life in New York.
Remember just a few years back, when comedians (of any gender) relentlessly chased guest spots at the feet of David Letterman and Jay Leno? Getting a gig on late night was the ultimate career boost, but women comedians had to fight through the prejudices both professional (like infamously misogynist Letterman booker Eddie Brill) and cultural (let’s all try to forget that Christopher Hitchens essay).
But the level playing field of Twitter, Facebook, and Tumblr means no one gets between ambitious talent and a potentially receptive audience. All it takes is perseverance, ability, skill, and infinite patience.
“Social media has essentially become my career,” says Kate Spencer, an improv instructor and writer at VH1 who blogs on Tumblr.
Consider Ilana Glazer, a New York comedy writer who, when she and writing partner Abbi Jacobson didn’t make it into the improv groups they wanted at Upright Citizens Brigade, decided to take their brand of girl-centric comedy to the web.
“We said, ‘Eff this, we’re going to make material for ourselves,’” enthuses Glazer, the co-creator of the Broad City web series.
That was 2009. The duo now have a deal with FX.“In the old days, if you got a spot on Carson, your life changed forever,” says Lizz Winstead, co-creator of The Daily Show, who blogs at the Huffington Post. “That’s not true anymore. Do we even need those shows? I don’t think we do.”
Women still represent just a fraction of writers on late-night comedy programs, and they only represent 8 percent of directors of Hollywood films. Any female comic knows the comedy industry is rife with sexism.
But social media has opened up ways around these traditional paths. A sampling of a dozen women comedians offered up Tumblr and Twitter presences that have become huge in the comedy world — not just as side gigs, but as major marketing tools for these ladies’ work.
“Social media has done the same thing for women comedians as it’s done for other movements — it’s given women a way to know they’re not alone,” says Asie Mohtarez, a New York comedian and blogger. “What it does for me is provide daily evidence of women doing it — making weird/crude jokes (gasp), videos, and other content, which I find inspiring and freeing.”
There are plenty of other examples. Late Night’s Amy Ozols and Chelsea Lately’s Jen Kirkman have become social media standard-bearers in the comedy world, getting credit for their work in the public sphere. Last year, when The Office’s Mindy Kaling set out to promote her book, she used Tumblr to do it. And Whitney Cummings combined social media and dirty jokes about Bob Saget to get a prime-time show on NBC.
But for up-and-coming comics, those outlets can be even more important. “On the internet, no one can limit you, ” Glazer says. For her, that meant constant positive reinforcement of her work, and eventually, a mainstream gig.
She joined the likes of author Mariam Kobras, who used her Twitter following to land a book deal she said had “no agent interference, no rejections, no waiting. Or Allie Hagan, a Washington consultant by day and comedian by night, who turned her Suri’s Burn Book Tumblr into a publishing contract.
“I’ve gotten several freelance gigs based on Twitter and Tumblr, and I think that’s how a lot of people find me for live stuff,” says Julieanne Smolinski, a columnist for XOJane.com. “I’ve done a couple storytelling shows and some podcasts. I am also willing to do quinceañeras and that thing where you go to high schools and tell people not to be like you.”
And, of course, Elaine Carroll of Very Mary Kate, who got a deal with College Humor after producing the series out of pocket. And then got cast on Mad Men. ”There will always be hecklers and Youtube commenter types,” Carroll says of doing comedy on the web. “But the process of something going viral is contingent on it being good. It isn’t based on gender or race or sexual orientation. If your idea is good enough (or weird enough, or contains enough cats jumping into boxes), it won’t be ignored — even if you’re a female lesbian lady woman.”
As Mohtarez puts it: “My Tumblr has helped me hone my odd and sometimes dark sense of humor, and to find a little audience for it in between reblogged photos of other people’s breakfasts and titties.”
(Photo courtesy of Ilana Glazer, at left, with Abbi Jacobson, on the set of Broad City)
This woman is drinking alone. IS THIS FEMINIST?
Despair is potentially feminist. However, the “lighting a romantic candle arrangement for oneself” factor betrays an over-investment in traditional models of romance and dating. Plus, if she works through that bottle too fast, all her shit’s going to be on fire. PROBLEMATIC.
YESSSSSSSSSSSS
INSTANT NETFLIX ALERT TO END ALL INSTANT NETFLIX ALERTS
Take a break for the next hour and 40 minutes.
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Posts
- May 03, 12
Sooooo, I have about 15 books left to read in the entire series before. To help get me through it, I thought I would host a tweetup where we can read it at the same time, or you can just follow the tweets!
When: Saturday, May 5
When: 10am-12pm PST
What: Follow me on twitter @robinhardwick, read A PICTURE PERFECT PROM, and livetweet your thoughts using the hashtag #svhtweetup, or just follow the hashtag to read the tweets.Prepare to snark!
- Apr 22, 12
I stumbled upon this by accident, but it seems that Sweet Valley Confidential will continue as an ebook miniseries.
A pat on the back to the publishers, who I think made a good decision after (what I am assuming) was disappointing sales and reviews of Sweet Valley Confidential. These seem to be mini-books, which is easier to swallow since too much Wakefield fuckery really gets my goat. But enough of stating the obvious, let’s check out the summary for book #1, The Sweet Life (of Zach and Cody?…sorry, I couldn’t resist.)
From Francine Pascal, creator of the bestselling Sweet Valley High series and author of the NY Times bestselling Sweet Valley Confidential, comes the continuing adventures of beautiful blonde twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield in an exciting new six-part e-serial, The Sweet Life.
Three years after the events of Sweet Valley Confidential, Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield are back in Sweet Valley and inseparable once more. Things are looking up for both twins: Elizabeth is a star reporter at the LA Tribune with a popular blog, and Jessica’s PR career is on the fast-track.
Oh god. Of COURSE Elizabeth is a star reporter. They probably hired her after her two-week high school internship at Flair Magazine. And because of her internship at The London Times! Her blog will be ridiculous. I am sure she write lifestyle pieces, like “what should I do with all my boyfriend’s money?” or “is it awkward that my now-boyfriend Bruce tried to rape me when we were in high school?”
Also, I love how Francine and co are STILL out of touch. If she were really popular, she’d have an active twitter/tumblr. But ok, blog it is. Somehow I am seeing it at Bachelor contestant Jenna’s blog. Or, even better, it will be like the privileged, ridiculous and condescending GOOP.
Jessica is in PR. I love how “social” people are assumed to be good in PR. Just like Heidi “I want to party for a living!” Montag gets a job at Bolthouse. Jessica’s advice to her clients: “Act like a total sociopath so that you get all the attention! Put yourself in harm’s way as much as you can to get more attention! “
But while the professional lives of the Wakefield sisters are secure, their personal lives may be in jeopardy. Jessica, now a mother, finds that managing parenthood, marriage, and a job is harder than she expected, while Elizabeth and Bruce must face a scandal that could strengthen their bond…or tear them apart for ever.
Someone PLEASE call social services for the sake of Jessica’s child. I’ll bet that she leaves the child at home until she feels like coming home, because “child-rearing doesn’t really start til she arrives anyway.” If this child has aqua-blue eyes and a perfect-sized newborn-3 months figure, I’ll kill myself.
From what I interpret, it seems like she and her hubby Todd will be fighting a lot about the time she has to put into her family. Of course, the only thing more INTERESTING than reading about teenagers constantly fighting and breaking up, it’s reading about miserable married couples fighting over how to treat their children.
Meanwhile, life goes on in Sweet Valley. Families are made, hearts are broken, and…Lila Fowler is a reality TV star? Some things never change.
The Sweet Life takes Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield through a new chapter in their well-chronicled and beloved fictional lives. This dramatic first installment and cliff-hanger ending will leave readers breathless for the next episode.I would like to point out that Lila becoming a reality star was my idea a while ago. Francine, if you want me to write plotlines for your books, all you need to do is ask! I have a great idea about a Super Special called “Mass Suicide Madness!”
Anyhoos, it comes out in June, and now that we’ve all suffered through the trainwreck that was Sweet Valley Confidential, I’m actually looking forward to this. By my calculations, the twins should be almost thirty. I can now compare my life to theirs once again.
- Jan 20, 12
Welcome visitors. I’m taking a hiatus with this blog right now, but please browse or revisit all my recaps of the original Sweet Valley High books. I’ve also recapped other series and written updated version of the Baby-Sitters Club books, and you can find those under “categories” to your right. Or, just browse the archives.
UPDATE: After a successful campaign, I’m working on the full, unofficial guide to Sweet Valley High with an expected release of early 2013.
In the meantime, you can read other things I’ve written here and follow me on facebook, twitter & tumblr.
- Dec 20, 11
Mr. and Mrs. Pike return to the place where Mallory was conceived- Burning Man. They rent two RVs to drive the family to the Black Rock Desert, and bring Stacey and MaryAnne along as mother’s helpers. Kristy whines about not getting to go, so Watson brings the family, along with Claudia and Dawn. Kristy decides that they should all make a stop-motion animation documentary about their experience, using only ancient Latin. After some moaning and groaning, Kristy reminds them that the club was her idea and that her stepfather is an effing millionaire so stfu and do what she says or she will cut them all off and that means no more kid-kits. Kristy sure can be bossy sometimes!
Dawn is embarrassed about the way her friends are acting and tries at every turn to get away from their village. One night she has a terrible trip and can’t find her way back to her camp. She learns she is taking her friends for granted and that she was stupid for trying to make friends outside of the BSC.
MaryAnne is scared to leave the RV and spends the week driving everyone crazy trying to tidy up the RV and whining about missing Logan. Claire Pike teaches her the lesson that “if you don’t try something, you’ll never experience life.” They go on a naked bike ride together in the moonlight and MaryAnne is reminded that even children have something to teach adults (although she herself is still a child.)
Stacey meets Breegan, a cute older guy at a rave on the Esplanade. She is mesmerized by his white man dreads and his worldliness. Stacey tells the guy she is twenty-three and many hi-jinks ensue as she tries at length to keep up the lie, going so far as to pretend the Pike children are her own. Turns out that Breegan is really Arthur, an actuary from Livingston, New Jersey just trying to get away from his boring life by creating a new identity. Stacey learns that it’s best just to be herself because her fabulous, Manhattan-raised, sophisticated, permed self is better than enough.
Claudia annoys everyone by bringing five suitcases of costumes. To make matters worse, she has massive junk food withdrawal and is forced to scavenge their village for any sugar she can find. She’s mistaken for an ancient tribal deity by a neighboring camp and is showered with as the drugs she wants. After her five day bender, she learns that too much of a good thing “kan sumtimz be teo mmuch”
Kristy, upon seeing some kids run around camp without abandonment and partially clothed, get a Great Idea (natch) and opens a day camp for the kids at Burning Man and then demands sympathy from everyone when she complains how hard it is. They go on a field trip to the Burning Man, but Karen “accidentally” sets fire to the Burning Man early, much to the angry mob of Black Rock City dwellers. Karen eventually wins them over by doing an insult comic routine and has everyone laughing. She’s eventually forgiven and a float is made in her honor at the parade. Karen learns that being an annoying brat will get you lots of attention.
Meanwhile, the Pike triplets build a Burning Man vehicle out of an old tin barrel and some toothpicks, but won’t let Nicky participate because he’s their younger brother and a fucking idiot. Vanessa rhymes everything and drives everyone crazy. Margo gets sick by eating sand because she may actually be developmentally retarded. Mr. and Mrs. Pike and Mr. and Mrs. Brewer try out polyamory for the week and wake up from an orgy only to find Richard Spier and Dawn’s mom in the person pile next to them. What a small world!
If you like what you see, please support my upcoming book!
- Dec 03, 11
Stephanie Green’s parents built her a detached apartment in the backyard. Stephanie says she’s been living there six weeks.
I’ve known Stephanie for three years.
This is the first time I’ve heard of the apartment.—
On Friday nights, the Friday night Sleepover started. Kate. Patti. Me. The apartment in the backyard. We’d watch tv, make prank calls, apply makeup on each other, and gorge ourselves with food and Stephanie would regale us with questions we didn’t want to think about.
What were we wearing to school on Monday?
What new boy did we like?
….Be careful, she warned. The people we liked may end up liking us.
Instead of answering, we just gorged on fluffer nutter.
Better to fill up the despair with food than think inward to our own existence.Next Friday we gathered. And the next. Friday Sleepovers became our new unit of time. It was getting harder to live my non-Friday life. One Saturday my mother sent me away from the dinner table because I almost fell asleep in my PB and J sandwich. I sneered at her and a snot bubble exploded out of my nose.
he didn’t mention it to me after that.
At lunch one day Patti pointed out that my sweatshirt had some dried up guacamole on it.The school cafeteria doesn’t serve guacamole.
—
The days in between Fridays didn’t seem to matter. Nothing mattered anymore, except Sleepover Friends and her apartment in the backyard. I began to keep track of the days of the week by the color of the jumper our fifth grade teacher wore.
Red. With the little flowers. It must be a Wednesday.
Stephanie and I sit on the stoop outside the school way past the last bell, drinking Capri Suns. “We could make more Sleepover Friends” she tells me with a belch. “We have the people. They’re talking about them at the junior high now.” She throws the shriveled Capri Sun in a perfect arc, landing directly on top of a discarded Lunchables Tray.
I silently seeth. I am filled with rage and bile. What is this? It’s jealousy. I didn’t like the feeling. Sleepover Friends was ours and ours only. It was like a beautiful, individual flower. And Stephanie wanted to make it into a Walmart- franchised, copied, ordinary, with every common kid, jock, nerd….and boys.
It’ll be the first coed Sleepover in the history of the school, Stephanie says. It will be something everyone will remember.
I stand up and begin to aimlessly write on the basketball court with chalk. Where did I get chalk from? We weren’t aloud to take it outside.
Stephanie’s fingers are already stained with chalk.
I write out “eskimo”, “lunchbox”, “parabola”, “starfruit” like they mean something. Like it’s the answer to the whole fucking universe.
“Pete Black wants in” Stephanie says to my back. My bile creeps up to my throat.
Sleepover Friends was feeling less like friends.
—–
On Friday, Patti and Kate are standing outside Stephanie’s private apartment in the backyard,, screaming at Pete Black as he stands perfectly still.
“Go home, you can’t be here” screams Kate.
“We don’t except BOYS in this club, asshole” Pattie says into his ear.
“Stephanie’s parents won’t ALLOW boys to sleep over, you disgusting miscarriage of a deformed elephant” Kate screams in his face.
Stephanie is standing in the doorway, wearing her signature black, white and red and eating S’mores. “It’s part of the ritual,” she tells me, already sensing what I was about to ask her. “You tell them to leave and if they stay, they are ready to be recruited.”
After an hour goes by, it starts to rain. Patti and Kate and I go in, but Pete Black stands in his same posture, even though the rain is gathering in puddles in the pockets of his Bugle Boy pants.
We stay inside and play truth or dare, Two Truths and a Lie. We don’t mention Pete Black.
—-
Pete didn’t show up to school that Monday. Monday meant the blue jumper with the gingham trim. We were studying vocabulary, but I was writing meaningful limericks and handing them out to the class.
There was once a girl who was told to study math
But in protest she refused to ever take a bath
The world’s going to end
Why can’t you comprehend
That everything you do and say doesn’t fucking matter anyway because ot all sounds like the whining of corporate drones sent out on a ledge to junp off like a group of pathetic lemmingsMrs. Blue Gingham found the Limerick and told me she was calling my mother.
Mother, I repeated the word. I didn’t know the meaning. The only family I knew was Sleepover Friends.—-
The third Friday after the Limerick incident Pete Black was in Stephanie’s backyard apartment when I arrived with an industrial sized can of Chex Mix..
Pete’s new, Kate said. The first rule of Sleepover Friends is that if you are new, you have to make a prank call..
The second rule of Sleepover Friends is that only one MASH game at a time, Patti added.
The third rule of Sleepover Friends is no shoes, no school clothes, just pajamas.
The fourth rule of Sleepover Friends, snarled Stephanie, is don’t talk about Sleepover Friends.Just as Pete was about to pick up the phone, it rang.
Lauren, said Stephanie. Pick it up. My hands are covered in cookie dough.When Stephanie asks, I can never refuse.
Hello?
“Hi honey”. Mrs. Green sounded like she just came from a tupperware party that suddenly turned into an orgy and they all took a blood oath not to tell anyone. “Don’t stay up too late, you have an orthodontist appointment in the morning.”
“Sure.”
“Stephanie, I mean it this time. Be in bed by midnight.”
“What did you call me?” Throats sure can close up quickly.
“Don’t be fresh with me, Stephanie.”I looked down. My hands were covered in cookie dough.
Sure, mother.Whatever you say.
—
[Photo made by my friend John.]
Don’t forget to support the campaign.
- Nov 23, 11
I’ve mentioned this before, but I am ready to make it official: I’m writing a book.
I’ve decided that the best way to motivate me to complete this book is to have people invest in it- I can’t procrastinate or put it off if I make it public.
I don’t usually feel comfortable asking for money, but this project will take some funding, so I’ve launched an IndieGoGo campaign. Your support and comments over the last few years have been more than generous, but I hope you will consider contributing to the campaign. Any contribution is welcome, no matter what the monetary value is.
Just as valuable is spreading the word, posting on your blogs, forwarding this to your friends, etc. I’ll be updating here, my twitter, Facebook, and the campaign with updates as I write.
Along with compiling all the recaps in this blog, the book will include full recaps of books 100-130, a full SVH glossary, and additional essays.
I am really excited about this campaign and the book project- it will be a major accomplishment in my life, and I can’t wait to share it with you.
- Sep 05, 11Stacey bounced up the steps of the Johanssen’s front stoop to ring the bell. Even though it was a sitting job, Stacey was excited about this afternoon’s charge. Charlotte Johanssen was her favorite kid. Quiet and reserved, Charlotte looked up to Stacey. And Stacey loved the attention.Dr. Johanssen answered the door. “Stacey” she exclaimed happily. “So good to see you! Charlotte’s in the playroom with Becca. I hope you don’t mind that she’s here.” Dr. J was a doctor on a reality show about celebrities addicted to sniffing glue.Becca Ramsey was the younger sister of Stacey’s friend Jessi, who used to be the BSC but had to drop out because she was always getting offered parts at the NYC Ballet, despite being eleven and dancing en pointe for a week.Jessi and Becca are black.
“No that’s fine,” said Stacey, smiling. The more to admire her!
Dr. J lowered her voice. “I left you some quinoa and spelt bread for a snack.” Dr. J was so understanding when Stacey admitted her gkuten allergy. It was so hard to find people to understand her affliction.
Stacey fluffed out her hair, adjusted her Steve McQueen romper and headed up to Char’s room. She heard Char from the hallway “ok, a little to the left,” Char was saying. Stacey put her head through the door and saw Becca lounging on her bed and Char filming her on her flipcam.
“What are you guys doing?” Stacey asked. “We’re playing Celebrity. Char is Kim Kardashian.”
Stacey giggled. Charlotte was so imaginative, that was part of why she was her favorite sitting charge. “Hey are you guys ready for your snack?”
They went down to the kitchen and Stacey prepared their Kale and soy-mayo sandwiches. “MMMppphhh” Becca said, her mouth full of kale. “Stacey aren’t you having any?” she asked.
“No,” Stacey looked down. “Uhhhhh, I’m on a diet.”
“What?” asked Charlotte. “But you’re already so skinny! You’re a size zero.”
“Yea, but I want to be a size double zero for when I go shopping at sample sales in New York.”
“Come on Stacey, just have one half! It’s low carb bread.” Char urged.
“I, uhhh……hey, let’s go outside and play!”
The issue quickly forgotten, the girls ran outside . The Johanssens had built an elaborate treehouse for Charlotte,.and she and Jessi were pretending that they were at the Jersey Shore house. Among screams of “Raaaaahhhhhhnnnn!” and “GTL! DTF!” Stacey snapped some pictures and sent them to the BSC tumblr account.
“Hello?” said someone at the backyard gate. “Oh, hey Hayley!” waved Char. Hayley lived next door and had a stylish, ironic mulllet. “What are you up to?”
“Well, my mother baked these brownies, but I’m off of carbs with week, so I thought you guys could use them. I thought to myself, ‘Becca and Charlotte DEFINITELY don’t care what they eat.”
Oblivious to the hipper, more stylish girls back-handed compliment, Jessi and Becca reached for brownies. “Yum!” said Becca. Stacey, try one!”
“Nah”, said Stacey, blushing.
“Oh come on” said Hayley. “Yea!” said Charlotte, chocolate smeared across her “Team Edward” tee shirt. “They are sooooo good!”.
“I SAID NO!” snapped Stacey. The three girls froze, mid-chew.
“I’m sorry” sniffed Charlotte. “I dibn’t meed to bake you mad.” She said through her tears and mucus..
“Oh guys,” Stacey felt horrible. She hoped Kristy or Charlotte’s parents didn’t hear her yelling on the live webfeed they had coming from all their client’s homes. “I….I have something to tell you.”
“What is it You can tell us,” said Becca. Becca is black.
“I have this problem….I have a gluten allergy. I can’t eat any gluten, and I have to watch what I eat really carefully. When I lived in New York, all my friends- those who I thought were my friends- thought I was weird and started being mean to me. This one time, at a sleepover, we had garlic bread, and during the night, I had gas. It was so embarrassing. They spread rumors that I had epilepsy. It was so horrible. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone when I moved to Connecticut I didn’t want to tell anyone- I wanted to make a fresh start.”
Stacey was looking down as she talked, and waited to hear the girls reaction.
“That’s it?” Charlotte said. “That’s what you;’re embarrassed about? That’s nuts. We don’t care! You’re still our favorite baby-sitter!”
“Yea” said Hayley. “My mother only eats things that are red. That and cayenne pepper. And then throws is all up. No biggie.”
“Really you guys” said Stacey? “Wow, I am so lucky.”
Charlotte said, “Come on guys! Let’s go back inside and play America’s Next Top Model! I’m Andre Leon! Stacey, you can be go-see and judge each of us on our potential to be a model.”
“Ok Char,” said Stacey. “Lead the way!” She couldn’t wait to put this all in the BSC blog.
- Aug 31, 11“I now call this meeting of the Baby Sitters Club to order” said Kristy Thomas, president of the Baby-Sitters Club. She took her job as president seriously. She often wore a visor and sat in a director’s chair when she ran the meetings. Today she was wearing a turtleneck and her favorite “I’m CEO, bitch!” sweatshirt. “All accounted for?” she asked adjusting the iPad in her lap.“Present,” piped up the other members, Mary Anne Spier and Dawn Shaefer.
“pMMMNNNTT” came a muffled voice from under the bed. The voice came from a pair of legs and a backside, which belonged to Claudia Kishi, who was searching furiously for something under her bed. Claudia hid her goodies in her bedroom because her parents didn’t approve of them. The meetings were held in Claudia’s room, because she was the only one in the group that had her own wireless network that allowed bitTorrents. For that reason, Claudia was also Vice President.
“What is that smell?” Dawn said, scrunching her nose and flipping her long dreadlocks over her shoulder. Dawn was the group’s bleeding heart, tree-hugging liberal.
“Nevermind that,” said Kristy impatiently. “Where’s Stacey?”
Suddenly, Claud’s head emerged from under the bed. “She’s skyping in from the N.Y.C. She went back this weekend to go to some loft party in DUMBO.”
“CLAUD!” the girls shrieked. “You’re wearing MEAT!”
“Yea, it’s so Gaga, don’t you think?” she said, smiling. Claudia, who was Japanese-American and had almond shaped eyes, was an artist and her clothing often looked like a work of art. She could be found wearing things like neon suspenders with bike shorts, earrings made out of fruit, sweaters knitted from human hair, a pair of pants made from discarded Zune players. But this time, she wore a fitted dress made from slabs of meat. She even fashioned a necklace made out of veins and entrails.
“I think I;m gonna be sick,” whined Dawn. “MEAT IS MURDER!”
“Wow,” said Mary Anne. “My dad would never let me wear anything like that,” she said wistfully. Mary Anne’s mother died when she was very little and was raised by her father, who was very conservative. She was not even allowed to watch Entourage! However, Mary Anne was the first one of them to have a steady boyfriend. Logan Bruno was nineteen and lived in a house with his electroclash band.
Kristy fiddled with her iPad and dialed Stacey on Skype. “Official business first.” The rest of the girls settled in, and Claudia dug into the stash she just found, breaking it into lines across the cover of her copy of Breaking Dawn.
Kristy set the iPad upright on Claud’s drafting table and Stacey’s face popped on the screen, except that the picture was shaking and the background sped past. “Sorry guys I’m on my iPhone at the Heatherette store. I need to look for something to wear for the party.” Stacey and Claudia, although were both thirteen years old like Kristy and Claudia, but oftentimes seemed more sophisticated. They certainly had more interest in clothes and boys than the rest of them.
“Oh Stace, while you are there, can you pick up those feather eyelashes for Karen? She has a pageant coming up next week.”“I thought we were only supposed to be talking about official business” snapped Dawn, who was sitting on Claudia’s beanbag chair assembling Molotov Cocktails for a protest she was attending against Stoneybrook’s town hall.
“I know,” said Kristy shortly. There was still some tension between Kristy and Dawn. Kristy and Mary Anne had been best friends since they were just in diapers. When Dawn moved to Stoneybrook last year, she and Mary Anne had become best friends. There were both still a little bit jealous of each other. Not to mention that Kristy was a Mac user and Dawn was a PC user. Kristy supported Sarah Palin and Dawn was a geo-anarchist.
“Claud!” yelled Stacey from the iPad. “We just spent our BSC dues on an intervention! Do we need to do another one?” Claudia lifted her head up from snorting a line, some powder still on her nose. “No,” she said sheepishly. “My parents told me that if they have to pay for rehab one more time, they were going to stop paying for my art classes.”
“Claud, your art! You are so talented!” said Mary Anne.
“You’re right.” Claudia finally gave in. “I guess I should get rid of those Crystal Meth rocks.”
“Oh that’s what I was sitting on!” exclaimed Dawn, pulling the baggie of rocks out from under her behind.”I thought they were Jamie Newton’s marble collection!”
The girls burst into a fit of giggles. Kristy laughed too, in spite of herself.
“ok, ok. We should get started with the meeting. First order of business. How’s the treasury look, Stace?”
Stacey, who was a whiz at math, stopped looking through a rack of sequined thongs at Bergdorfs, sighed. “Not great you guys. Between the interventions for Claud and the pizza parties, not to mention the extra we spent on the gluten free pizzas, we are close to zilch.”
“Kristy, why don’t you just ask Watson for the money?” asked Claudia, adjusting the rump roast-slash-sleeve. Watson was Kristy’s stepfather, who was a real-life billionaire.
Kirsty stuck out her tongue at the suggestion. “No, I don’t want any of his help. He’s done enough to my family as it is, trying to get us to agree to that reality show. I think it’s time to launch another Kickstarter campaign, you guys.”
“I could offer some of my artwork as investor incentives” offered Claudia.
“I could offer a makeover,” said Stacey.
“I could offer my virginity” said Mary Anne.
“That sounds great everyone! We’ll launch next week.” Kristy checked the iPad for the agenda. “Now, let’s check the ticket queue for baby-sitting requests.”
“Let’s see: said Mary Anne, who was the Secretary of the Club and managed all the appointments. “Cokie Mason needs a sitter for little Jeffrey on Saturday.”
“Ugh, again?” asked Dawn, her mouth full of quinoa, kale and Four Loko..
“Yea, she has another callback to be cast on Teen Mom.”
Mary Anne read off the other requests and the girls scheduled the appointments. It was a hard job to keep track of all their schedules, with Stacey’s doctor’s appointments for her celliac’s disease, Claudia’s benders, Mary Anne’s pole dance aerobics, Karen’s pageants (Kristy was her handler) and Dawn’s protests.
“How are the Kid Kits looking these days?” asked Kristy.
“Pretty good,” answered Stacey, who was now at a restaurant in the Meatpacking District that only served 60 different varieties of rice pudding. “But the app seems to have some glitches with you run it with the new iPhone. There are some movies that you can’t stream directly.”
“We really need to make it an app for Android too” added Kristy. “We’ll have to ask the Pike triplets to program it.” Byron, Adam, and Jordan were identical triplets, frequent clients, and computer prodigies. Mary Anne, can you ask them when you sit for them tomorrow?…..Mary Anne? MARY ANNE??”
“Sorry,” Mary Anne blushed. “I was texting with Logan.”
Kristy made a vomit noise and stuck her tongue down her throat. Kristy had no time for silly things like gross boys. She had other things to think about, like her startup idea.
“One day you’ll start to see that boys are not so bad” said Stacy, now back at home in her bedroom with the posters of Sookie and Eric covering her walls.
“She’s just saving herself for Mark Zuckerberg,” teased Claud. Once again the girls dissolved into giggles.
Just then, Charlie, Kristy’s older brother pulled up outside to drive her home to the rich part of town. “I think the meeting is officially adjourned.”
As she ran down the stairs and out the front door, she logged onto her twitter account.
@msKristyThomas Another great BSC meeting #itsgoodtobeprez
Her mind wandered back to the time when she had the Great Idea for the BabySittersClub.biz…..
- May 17, 11
I almost forgot to post this on here:
Please join us live on Twitter (@SVConfidential) and Ustream for a live Fan Chat with Francine Pascal on Wednesday, May 18 at 8pm EST. Feel free to post your questions in advance to Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=197578483619537) as well. We’d appreciate your assistance in helping to promote this unique opportunity for Sweet Valley fans to interact with Francine.
Ustream Event: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/fan-chat-with-francine-pascal
Things I want to ask Francine but I probably won’t:
-What do you think of my blog?
-Why do you dislike overweight people?
-Can I pick your brain for an hour?
-Did you ever actually read any of the books after they were completed?
-Did you intentionally make Jessica a sociopath?
-Did you intentionally make Elizabeth condescending?
-Why did so may students read The Oracle?
-What happened to Ellen Riteman?
- Apr 20, 11
Dana Larson and Lynne Henry continue to collaborate on songwriting, and eventually form an electroclash band called Chix With Bix. They tour small clubs and play late nights at construction sites. Dana, along with RISD grad Claudia Kishi, design their own line of banana clips and bolo ties. I’d tell you what boutiques they are sold in, but you’ve probably never heard of them anyway.
Teddy Collins graduated Sweet Valley High last year, and surprised everyone by eloping with Betsy Martin. Their May-December romance caused quite a stir in Sweet Valley, though for some reason they refuse to consider living anywhere else. They are expecting their third child.
Kelly’s Bar closed several years ago because it could no longer justify its existance by serving only two customers: Rick Andover and Mr. Martin. it is now an Au Bon Pain.
Two years ago, Roger Collins left Sweet Valley High- it was unclear whether it was voluntary or if it was based on a rumored “incident” with a female student. After his departure, Nora Dalton has been advising The Oracle, but readership has gone down since she insists on having everything written in French. Elizabeth, relieved to give up the facade that she’s trying to make it as a journalist in New York City, is only too happy to move back to town and work part-time as the Oracle Adviser. Her controversial approval of the school’s “gossip column” often puts her in a battle of wills against the self-anointed dictator of the PTA, Cara Walker-Wakefield. Which is odd, because Cara has no children in the Sweet Valley Unified School District. Although she often mentions a “Steven Junior” which no one can see but her. Elizabeth also accepted a job back at the Sweet Valley News, as the special correspondent for murders and kidnappings.
Amy Sutton met a man who lived at the former “Good Friends” house. After a whirlwind two-day courtship, she moved with him to Arizona and is now happily living as wife #9 on a large compound in Colorado City. The prairie dress looks fantastic on her slender frame.
As we all know, Jessica and Todd were happily married. Three weeks after the wedding, Jessica admitted to having a fling with Jeffrey French, now a photojournalist at the Sweet Valley News. Todd forgave her, until a week later he had a fling with Suzanne Devlin, in town to curate Sweet Valley’s International Film Festival. They have agreed on a trial separation and Jessica moved back into her parents’ split-level, Spanish-tiled home. She is currently working as the Assistant Manager of Lisette’s.
Prince Albert has recently found a new spot in the house he likes to sleep in. He recently switched to wet food to accommodate some lost teeth.
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Posts
On the back it says “Bikini Ispector”
(via UrbanOutfitters.com > Emperor’s New Clothes Hands Off Tee)
Mullet hat. More irony? I can’t even tell anymore.
Pop quiz: What’s the most offensive thing about this shirt?
(a) It’s a Jewish star
(b) the shirt cost $100
(c) the shirt costs $100 BECAUSE it’s a Jewish-themed
My first thought when seeing this was “CHRISTIAN SLATER IS REMAKING GLEAMING THE CUBE!!!!!”
Men’s Tanks
Kriss Kross will make ya…JUMP! JUMP!
(via UrbanOutfitters.com > Pins and Needles Linen Roll-Sleeve Sweater)
This dress was inspired by tablecloths and foreskins.
Kaleidoscope Dress Collection / Photography by Tim Barber
If I stand like this, the pee that runs down my leg won’t stain my dress.
Kaleidoscope Dress Collection / Photography by Tim Barber
Welcome to the Urban Outfitters Bed and Breakfast. A breakfast smorgasbord of coffee, cigarettes and cocaine is served at 7, followed by journaling with old typewriters, followed by a motivational speech by David Karp.
February 2012 / Photography by Tim Barber
Sometimes, Paulo and I like to watch the F-train go by and laugh at all the suits who have to work for a living.
March 2012 / Photography by Cass Bird
Yea, I was totally at the first protest where they threw the teargas. It was killer. Then we went to the Sleigh Bells show at the Fox Theater.
Hey it’s Mickey Mouse. Oh wait! It can’t be! That guy’s black!
Ugh. Urkel wouldn’t even wear these.
That’s do, UO. That’ll do.
(via ‘Eat Less’ Urban Outfitters T-Shirt: Tasteful Or Tasteless? (PHOTO, POLL))
“I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t get tickets to Coachella! I’m gonna jump!”
February 2012 / Photography by Tim Barber
These hotpants resulted in the death of over ten merkins.
UO Winter Preview / Photography by Sam Falls
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Tweets
- I want to go glamping.
- About to eat a really fucking expensive burger. It had better change my life. http://t.co/TYgXFkHA
- On task for the afternoon: Watch Some Like It Hot and Paris is Burning.
- Oh god. I'm one of those writers who spends most of their album reviews talking about themselves.
- Reading @WeHoDaily makes me both terrified and excited to stay with Hannah this summer.
- Kixeye is trying really hard. Maybe too much? http://t.co/9iwbTfVh
- What's instagram without gratuitous pics of my cat http://t.co/fF0G0hdf
- Anyone want to compose a shitty techno intro for my podcast?
- The inevitable energetic warmup #ohimprov http://t.co/hN0aFVLF
- Riding the BART with people going to the Giants game is my own personal hell.
- Hey Star Wars people- what was that whiny line said by Luke near the beginning of the first movie? You know the one...
- Unpopular opinion alert: maybe Dan Harmon was fired because he was difficult to work with and didn't want to cooperate with his network?
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Talk to me
- Leave me a voicemail.
